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| Summer Vibes - Images I have collected from the web that represent the long summer days and the emotions summer invokes upon me. There's a sadness to the freedom I suddenly have. What does the future hold? What does this moment represent? What am I doing? |
What are your plans for summer break?
There was a time when that question wasn't so formidable. There was a place where I can shrug my shoulders, mention a family trip, and the asker would smile in easy acceptance. As I approach my 20s, that no longer seems to be the case. Summer, which once meant long days of sweet nothings is now viewed as a three month time span where one can invest one's time in the likes of study abroad, internships, and research projects. Three weeks into my summer with no internship or job in my pockets, no travel destination in mind, I am left in a state of quandary. What are your plans for summer? When someone asked me that question before I headed back home from New York, my answer was tinged with hopes more than facts. "Oh, I'm looking for an internship. I might go to Korea. I want to intern in Korea." Answers that were full of possibilities yet full of ambiguities. Now, my answers seem down right pathetic when compared to some of the answers I have heard. "I'm going to the Galapagos Islands for a research project." "She's going to San Francisco to intern for Visa." "I'm au pairing in Barcelona and then I'm going to travel Europe." "I'm interning at Kaiser." "I'm studying abroad in England." You know what I say to that? "Oh, I'm working on my portfolio right now." Portfolio is my code word for "I'm panicking and all I'm doing is doodling at home". It sucks. As I look into the future (no, not a crystal ball or anything of that sort), so much of the work I'm interested in have prerequisites that I had yet to fathom or master. Whether it be adobe photoshop or a "working knowledge of adobe premiere", there's a lot I still need to learn. Thus, perhaps, portfolio is more than just my codeword--perhaps it is an opportunity for me to build an actual foundation.
Even with the uncertainty and the creeping feelings of desperation as June slowly blooms, summer is undeniably summer. There's a slowness to it that seems to drown my worries with layers of Talenti gelato (Ralph's is having a sale at 3 for $3.99. Y'all should go get some!), naps at the park, and the prerecorded laughter that accompanies Korean variety programs. I feel like one of those men who ate the lotus fruits in The Odyssey. I know I have this great, long journey ahead of me but I just want to indulge in the fruits that summer offers, a break. However, as I take a bite of this "break", there's something bittersweet to the taste. There's something off about having a break. After being caught up with the momentum of the world for 9 months, now that the world around me has come to a standstill--summer break has given me a whiplash. The sudden stop to all the pressure and the intense workload has made my burden light, but my mind is empty of purpose. I finally get to sleep 8 hours a day (something I thought I'd never do). I eat breakfast daily. I get to hang out with my friends most of the time (many still have school). I get to eat my grandma's cooking. Yet, there's something vaguely unfulfilling about the past three weeks. I feel lost. Confused. All I want to do is sleep. I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of being underwhelmed and I am confused by it. Is this Stockholm Syndrome? Am I actually missing the never ending cycle of work and sleepless nights that comes with being a college student? I can't help but wonder. Yet, I can't help but also recognize that my lack of peace with the solitude and rest I have been given is intertwined with the troubling belief that what I do this summer correlates with what I do in the future. Everyone seems to know that, and thus act upon it. High Schooler's take their SAT prep classes or volunteer. College students intern. Summer break can't be taken literally anymore. There is no break. Sure, I'm out of school, but I'm not out of the pressure. It's still there. Just because you got the stove set on low does not mean that there's no more heat. The heat's still there, and the pressure is still on. (God, I feel like I'm writing a motivational speech from a sports manga. "You got this, girls. You're going to kill it in the court. Sure, so and so are in a lower league but the pressure is still on. The fire's low, but the heat is still there. Strong defense. There's no slacking in this team. Go Bobcats!" Heh.) I think that's the truth.
There is a perpetual message of pressure from the not so distant future that accompanies the mind of students in their late teens. It's overwhelming. Some thrive in the pressure, while some just feel lost. I have been at both ends of the spectrum, and it's heartbreaking to know that our youth is spent worrying and wasting away for adulthood. And it's so disheartening to recognize that our value as a person once you enter your 20s is determined by so many of the decisions that we made in our youth.
More so, in this capitalist society, you are forced to compete with people you know nothing about, who probably also have outstanding qualifications, with weapons like GPA, connections, and work experience. There is no room to truly express who you are and what you can do, there's only a couple of pages of numbers, questions, and figures that determine merely whether or not you're worth getting to know (I'm talking about the call back bit). Resumes and report cards don't give you the chance to tell the world that you stayed up till 5 AM lying next to your friend and making sure she is okay since her parents just divorced, or that you wrote a letter to your grandma on her 72nd birthday that made her laugh and cry, or that the fish you took care of lived for 8 years because you happen to be a mermaid, or that you spent an entire afternoon teaching your brother how to float when you were 6 and now he's the captain of the water polo team. There's just so much more to you and your story that I find far more important than A's and B's or that you "communicated effectively with peers to ensure high performance in the field" (an actual snippet from my resume). Anyways, beyond my rant against resumes and capitalism, the point is, there's so much pressure on you to worry and work for your future self whose worth will be determined not by you but by companies whose goal is to use you to make profit. Does that make sense? It's an ongoing wheel. You're born. You go to school. Your performance in school determines what college you go to. Your college and major influences your internships. Your work experience and college are your key to entering the market economy. You get a job and you make money. You establish relationships. You help others (typically your child) succeed in the previous steps. You die. Your child/ren continue this cycle.
I'm not saying you should break the wheel (Heh, a Game of Thrones reference); I doubt that's possible. As much as I would like to wander around the great scape of USA and forsake capitalism the way Japhy does in Jack Kerouac's The Dharma Bums, there's just so much that can go wrong with that as a young woman entering her 20s. Instead, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it's important to make room for you outside of this wheel. As teenagers, we are told by adults that our future is determined by what we do now. We are pressured to juggle as much as we can so that we are more desirable. There are benefits to this "system": you're motivated, you try something new whether it be volunteering in Ghana or working at a hospital, you get to learn a new skill, and you make many friends. The downsides include lack of sleep, lack of proper meals, lack of rest, and lack of time. Personally, I was forced to cram homework for fourth period in first and second, I would show up to meetings late and soaking after water polo games, and I skipped meals until 8 pm where I finally got to eat dinner. At times like that, you have to step back and reevaluate your priorities. What is all this stress worth? Is crying while eating ice cream and writing your paper worth whatever reward you will get in the future? Back then, I thought it was worth it. Even now, I think the stress I go through now is worth the future glory. But as seen in this post, I can't even enjoy a break without worrying that I'm missing out on something. I need to constantly be spinning in the wheel. It's embedded in me. There's something terribly wrong with that. Not every second has to be spent primping and propping your future self. It's not even really for you. Work on yourself for yourself. It's okay to slow down and take a moment to treat yourself. This can mean indulging in desserts or shopping but it can also mean doing things that actually fulfills you. You can make a movie, or train your dog. You do you. Take time to watch the show you have forsaken in order to study for finals. It's summer. Read the pile of books you ignored because you had to read something else for class. Dance till dawn at the club downtown because you don't have to go to that morning class. Like I said, there's no need to break the wheel. But once in a while, stop it. It's unfair for a daisy fresh girl like me to be sitting around getting tangled in depressing thoughts like loans, jobs, and what the future holds for me. It's overwhelming and frankly, depressing. Think of the future, but try not to get lost in it. Summer break should be broken into little pieces and sprinkled throughout the year. Even during the school year, dedicate an hour a day or maybe a day a week to fulfilling yourself for your present self. Go to a concert. Take five at a park and just listen to music. Go to the mall and buy that cute pair of sandals you've been eyeing. I'm sure you in the future will thank you for it.
Be right back,
There is a perpetual message of pressure from the not so distant future that accompanies the mind of students in their late teens. It's overwhelming. Some thrive in the pressure, while some just feel lost. I have been at both ends of the spectrum, and it's heartbreaking to know that our youth is spent worrying and wasting away for adulthood. And it's so disheartening to recognize that our value as a person once you enter your 20s is determined by so many of the decisions that we made in our youth.
More so, in this capitalist society, you are forced to compete with people you know nothing about, who probably also have outstanding qualifications, with weapons like GPA, connections, and work experience. There is no room to truly express who you are and what you can do, there's only a couple of pages of numbers, questions, and figures that determine merely whether or not you're worth getting to know (I'm talking about the call back bit). Resumes and report cards don't give you the chance to tell the world that you stayed up till 5 AM lying next to your friend and making sure she is okay since her parents just divorced, or that you wrote a letter to your grandma on her 72nd birthday that made her laugh and cry, or that the fish you took care of lived for 8 years because you happen to be a mermaid, or that you spent an entire afternoon teaching your brother how to float when you were 6 and now he's the captain of the water polo team. There's just so much more to you and your story that I find far more important than A's and B's or that you "communicated effectively with peers to ensure high performance in the field" (an actual snippet from my resume). Anyways, beyond my rant against resumes and capitalism, the point is, there's so much pressure on you to worry and work for your future self whose worth will be determined not by you but by companies whose goal is to use you to make profit. Does that make sense? It's an ongoing wheel. You're born. You go to school. Your performance in school determines what college you go to. Your college and major influences your internships. Your work experience and college are your key to entering the market economy. You get a job and you make money. You establish relationships. You help others (typically your child) succeed in the previous steps. You die. Your child/ren continue this cycle.
I'm not saying you should break the wheel (Heh, a Game of Thrones reference); I doubt that's possible. As much as I would like to wander around the great scape of USA and forsake capitalism the way Japhy does in Jack Kerouac's The Dharma Bums, there's just so much that can go wrong with that as a young woman entering her 20s. Instead, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it's important to make room for you outside of this wheel. As teenagers, we are told by adults that our future is determined by what we do now. We are pressured to juggle as much as we can so that we are more desirable. There are benefits to this "system": you're motivated, you try something new whether it be volunteering in Ghana or working at a hospital, you get to learn a new skill, and you make many friends. The downsides include lack of sleep, lack of proper meals, lack of rest, and lack of time. Personally, I was forced to cram homework for fourth period in first and second, I would show up to meetings late and soaking after water polo games, and I skipped meals until 8 pm where I finally got to eat dinner. At times like that, you have to step back and reevaluate your priorities. What is all this stress worth? Is crying while eating ice cream and writing your paper worth whatever reward you will get in the future? Back then, I thought it was worth it. Even now, I think the stress I go through now is worth the future glory. But as seen in this post, I can't even enjoy a break without worrying that I'm missing out on something. I need to constantly be spinning in the wheel. It's embedded in me. There's something terribly wrong with that. Not every second has to be spent primping and propping your future self. It's not even really for you. Work on yourself for yourself. It's okay to slow down and take a moment to treat yourself. This can mean indulging in desserts or shopping but it can also mean doing things that actually fulfills you. You can make a movie, or train your dog. You do you. Take time to watch the show you have forsaken in order to study for finals. It's summer. Read the pile of books you ignored because you had to read something else for class. Dance till dawn at the club downtown because you don't have to go to that morning class. Like I said, there's no need to break the wheel. But once in a while, stop it. It's unfair for a daisy fresh girl like me to be sitting around getting tangled in depressing thoughts like loans, jobs, and what the future holds for me. It's overwhelming and frankly, depressing. Think of the future, but try not to get lost in it. Summer break should be broken into little pieces and sprinkled throughout the year. Even during the school year, dedicate an hour a day or maybe a day a week to fulfilling yourself for your present self. Go to a concert. Take five at a park and just listen to music. Go to the mall and buy that cute pair of sandals you've been eyeing. I'm sure you in the future will thank you for it.
Be right back,
Estelle
PS This is a very, very long post. Honesty Hours will most often be that way.
PPS Comment below with what your idea of a break is and how you plan on spending your summer!
PPS Comment below with what your idea of a break is and how you plan on spending your summer!
For those of you struggling with similar feelings, check out these films. They're incredibly poignant and relatable in many ways.
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